After being diagnosed with facial squamous cell carcinoma in Sept. I put my 13 yr old Manx, Q-Tip, down, this evening. I’m at a loss to say how I feel.

My first feeling is that this is the most pain I’ve ever felt. I think that is because the decision to end his life was solely in my hands and that was such a hard choice to make. Last year I lost my grandmother to cancer only two weeks after she was dignosed. Part of me feels ashamed to hurt as much now as I did then but then I didn’t have to tell her doctor to end her life.

I know I did the right thing. My brain knows this. My heart is still grieving and doubtful.

For the past couple of weeks QTip was barely eating. you could tell he wanted to but when he did he would choke and eventually avoided food all together. Although he still purred when I petted him and curled up with me to sleep I knew I had to do what I did. He would only get worse and I couldn’t let him suffer.

Am I the only one to feel relief about this? I haven’t said this to anyone yet, not even my boyrfriend who scared me with how much he cried at the vet’s office tonight, but part of me is relieved. I know the decision needed to be made now as much for me as for QTip. The past couple of months my job performance has suffered greatly and so has my relationship as I’ve slipped deeper and deeper into depression over his condition. My depression alone doesn’t justify his death but knowing it would only get worse, for the both of us, makes me cling to the idea that it was time.

What made it even more hard was the past 24 hours were good ones for him. He was unusually active and he and I went outside a couple of times to chew grass and watch the birds. I try to tell myself that cats don’t have the hangups about death that we do. They don’t have regrets and what-ifs and it’s probably best that his last day was a joyful one for the two of us.

it was over so quick I barely had time to register it.

One of my oldest and dearest friends, I hope you forgive me for not being able to fix you and I hope I made the best choice for you and for the both of us.

I love you Q-Tip,
Mommy

1 Comment » -
Fatal error: Call to undefined function: mdv_comment_plugger() in /home/content/d/a/l/dallasdeadgirl/html/blog/wp-content/themes/razzle-dazzle-10/date.php on line 26